My friends, I have the experience, I have a plan, I have a big stick, and I walk softly with Ronald Reagan. And Roosevelt and Lincoln are here, too, and a lot of other qualified Americans, who are good Americans, and who know how to fix the problems in America that America has. And might I just mention that I know how to reach across the aisle and say, with full confidence: Fuck John McCain.
Let me say that again. Fuck John McCain.
I know, I know, all the big pundits are piling on now, talking about how he's changed and this isn't the guy they remember from back before he sold his soul to run for President. Here's the problem: McCain has been a complete dickhead his entire career. Starting the very first night he was elected to the Senate, when he screamed at one of his volunteers because the podium he was supposed to speak at was too tall. Pure class, right there. And if that's how he treats people who give up their weekends to work for him without pay, imagine how he's gonna treat the rest of us.
You know what we need for our next President? An unstable asshole. That is a brilliant fucking idea. How about we pick some slob whose idea of etiquette is shoving a ninety-two-year-old on the Senate floor. What could go wrong with a guy like that? I can see the commercials now: John W. McCain, an Unstable Man for Unstable Times.
Or how about we get a guy who's so unable to control his temper that on diplomatic missions he tries to wrestle the foreigners he's supposed to be meeting with. I'm starting to think that the only reason he doesn't want to meet with Ahmadinejad is that he's not sure if he can take him in a fair fight.
[We'll pause here in case the Senator himself is reading along. Gotta give him time to trip – repeatedly – over the name of a foreign leader who comes up, oh, every ten minutes in his own fucking speeches. Tell you what, if we're going to spend an hour and a half watching you pace back and forth like Gary Busey on a meth bender, do you think you could spend five minutes of your debate prep memorizing the name of your nemesis? We've got things to do over here, motherfucker. We can't spend all night watching you tamp down your Tourette's.]
Ok, all caught up Senator? Good, now where were we? Oh yeah, a fair fight.
Like this motherfucker would ever fight fair. Can you say "Obama pals around with terrorists"? Fine, you wanna be that way? How about we start spreading a rumor that you're "proud" of your friend who broadcast instructions on how to kill cops? Or we could imply that your website has an endorsement from a guy who sold fifty million dollars worth of missiles to the evildoers in Iran (again with Iran, have you figured out how to pronounce that guy's name yet? No? Good show, Mr. Foreign-Policy-is-My-Strength) and then turned around and gave that money to a group that raped and killed hundreds of men, women and children. What's that? They were freedom fighters? Uh, no. If your friends are going to go around murdering nuns, we're going to go ahead and call them terrorists. They can be Freedom Terrorists if you want. And what the hell, let's go ahead and say that you made a personal donation to those motherfucking terrorists while they were on their killing spree.
Pretty mean, right? Also, pretty fucking specific, because that shit is what we call facts out here on Main Street or Average Avenue or fucking Salt of the Earth Speedway or whatever neighborhood you're pretending you've been anywhere near since you married into more money than God had before Fannie and Freddie foreclosed on paradise.
Money, by the way, made on illegal liquor sales, and not during prohibition, when it was cool like that. How do you get out of that kind of trouble? If you're Cindy's daddy, you lawyer-up with future Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist and he gets you off. Does it worry anyone else that every right-wing debacle in the last fifty years involves the same twelve assholes? Need another example? Remember the fuckwads who put out a push-poll claiming McCain had an illegitimate black child back in 2000? The same guys McCain said had a "special place in hell"? Hell, apparently, is the McCain campaign, cause he fucking hired them.
Which I guess isn't that surprising, since McCain has changed positions more times than Jenna Jameson in a double feature. But not on important issues. Just stuff like privatizing Social Security, the Bush tax cuts, coastal drilling, ethanol, gay adoption, affirmative action, the estate tax, torture and negotiating with Cuba, Hamas, and Syria. But at least he stood firm in opposing the lobbying reform, campaign finance and immigration legislation written by... Senator John McCain (R-Hanoi).
This guy's not a maverick, he's a fucking weathervane.
Oh, but there are "advantages to experience and knowledge and judgement"? I know you don't know how to use a Google, but those of us who do have a pretty easy time finding some major judgement fuck-ups in your past, Mr. Experience Man.
Let's just put it this way: if I was a gotcha journalist, I think by now I'd have stuck a mic in McCain's face and asked what he was thinking when he said, just a few weeks after Al Qaeda held their coming out party by bombing two US Embassies in 1998, "You could say, look, is this guy, Laden, really the bad guy that's depicted?". Yes, Bin Fucking Laden. Post terrorist attack: 'Is he really that bad? '
Go ahead, you know you want to go back and read that again. Take your time, I'll wait. All done? Now, tell me, where the fuck were the questions about that, Brokaw? Way to hold his feet to the warm, toasty fire.
But at least he was right about that surge thing. I mean, he and Bush got almost everything else wrong, but they backed the right horse this one time. Except (and if you've been getting your war news from any channel that spends more on graphics than foreign correspondents, you might want to hang on to something here) the surge isn't the thing that's turned down the American death toll in Iraq to "only mildly horrific."
I know! I was surprised too, until I took ten seconds to look it up for myself. Bush misleads the media and they totally fucking fall for it, and then they feed it to the public who buys it hook, line and sinker. Who'da thunk that'd work? Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me twenty seven times and apparently we're plum out of shame and we've moved on to... hey, was that a Friends re-run you just clicked past, dude? Go back! This is the one where a group of mid-twenties New Yorkers live in apartments the size of small aircraft carriers and nobody says a word about it through the entire show. It's fucking hilarious.
Hmmm? Oh yeah, Iraq. Nothing else has been going on there that could have made those insurgents stop shooting at our soldiers, right? Well, nothing besides the fact that we started paying them not to shoot at us. From where I'm sitting this is a major breakthrough in military strategy. Instead of getting shot at now, we've got ourselves on a ceasefire payment plan. And then, if we ever cancel our subscription, they'll have twice as many guns. There's no way that fucking plan could backfire. Unless we run out of money, I guess.
Well, anyway, at least things are getting better, right? I mean, you said you walked around Baghdad "with no body armor on," so those Iraqis must be as safe as a tofu burger at a Palin rally. Yeah, except unlike the average Iraqi, you had a hundred soldiers and five helicopters guarding your ass. Oh yeah, and fucking body armor. Exactly how out of touch do you have to be not to notice that you're wearing Kevlar?
But at least we don't hear much about that ugly ethnic cleansing stuff anymore. We must have had something to do with putting a stop to that. Right — we let them fucking finish. All cleansed! Nothing succeeds like success, huh?
And since the surge is working so well, let's export it over to Afghanistan. That country's all Arab-y, it'll probably work there too, right? Exactly which class at Annapolis was it where they taught you that a tactic that works in urban warfare is a good one to try out in the fucking mountains? It's practically the same terrain, just flipped forty five degrees and with goats instead of... well, instead of everything.
Wait, you don't think that's why the commander of US forces in Afghanistan himself says this isn't the right plan, do you? I know all you Republicans like to say that soldiers make good Presidents, but do you think maybe we could amend that to soldiers that don't completely suck at being soldiers? Seriously, after crashing three airplanes, who the fuck gave this asshole his wings back so he could fly off on real combat missions? Oh right, dear old dad. What's it like having a father who's so powerful you can fuck up over and over and never pay the price?
Wait a minute, that sounds so familiar...
Anyway, did you hear that McCain was a war hero, too? Yes indeedy, he sure is shy, but if you're willing to ask him a question about any other topic, he'll be happy to tell you all about it. I guess that's why you get more donations from soldiers than That One, right? No? Don't worry dude, the troops in the field always send more money to the guy they don't want to be their next Commander in Chief. It's strategic. I think they call it a "Surge," or something.
But you'd be winning right now if Obama would have just done eighty seven town hall debates with you? Yeah, cause you really connected during the one you got. You know what you should do? You should get your wife's company to sponsor some more debates! They could put up the cash, and give out free beer and auction off prizes and stuff, and maybe you could get other rich people to pitch in if you, like, promise to make their dad King of the Economy and mention his name over and over during the debate.
Damn! You already did that, didn't you? How'd that work out for ya?
(Jesus Christ with jimmies, how fucking sad is it that you learned, just now, from me, that the money funding McCain's housing habit comes from the same place as the money that got the press sloshed at the debates. It's fucking sad, dude. It's as sad as it would be if the only guy asking McCain tough questions in this election was a late night talk show host. Fuck. fuck. fuck.)
You'd think with Budweiser sponsoring the real debates you wouldn't need to set up your own homestyle versions where your – how do we put this – touched supporters can embarrass the fuck out of you by saying out loud what your ads only imply. (And maybe all the white folks could be a little less shocked! shocked! that there's still fucking racism in America? It's embarrassing. Pretend like you were paying attention for the last two hundred years, could ya?)
Oh, and while we're talking about your rebel rallies, you might want to get your supporters to ease back on questioning your opponent's religious beliefs. Otherwise we're going to have to bring up that thing where you say you're a Baptist, but you've never been... wait for it... baptized. For shizzle.
And despite the fact that they never ask you about any of this shit, you still feel the need to complain that the media elite aren't treating your campaign with enough fucking deference? What kind of pussy runs away from a sit down with Larry King? What are you, afraid he might ask you one of those probing questions, like "We're back with the maverick John McCain. What do you make of this new Britney video, Senator?"
Awww, did the mean media people hurt your feewings, Johnny-wonny? Did they make fun of your stwaight tok expwess? Do you need mommy to kiss it and make it all better? Maybe she can buy you a wittle hospital to go with your eight houses, you fucking crybaby.
And now, after the last two "elections," we have to listen to you cry about fucking voter fraud. Ok, first off, it's not voter fraud, it's some guys trying to make a buck by copying a few names out of the phone book. Well, ok, to be fair there is some organized voter registration fraud going on. I'll give you that. Wait, remind me who got arrested for that, again? Oh yeah, Republicans. It takes some serious balls to point fingers while you're in handcuffs, asshole.
Look, we don't really have time to listen to you bitch anymore, ok? We're slow, but after two shady elections we've figured out that in order to win this thing we have to get more votes than you fuckers can steal. What's that? You want to introduce us to McCain version 9.0? Later, dude, we have to go vote for our country first.