9:00 PM — Good morning, Asian stock markets! The NIKKEI index is already down 340 points. Australian markets are down about 4%. Hong Kong’s down 879 points.
9:00 PM — Hey here is a fun thing we hope to use tonight: C-SPAN debate hub! Make your own clips of embarrassing McCain moments, or when Sarah Palin rushes onstage with a noose.
9:00 PM — OMG this is such a clean, well-lighted town hall. Who knew we had such nice things, in the Depression?
9:01 PM — Rules: No rambling, no reading Sarah Palin’s old index cards.
9:01 PM — Oh hi, Tom Brokaw! You are looking sharp for a long-retired news anchor from “the past.”
9:01 PM — Brokaw picked the questions! He is in the tank for McCain because he wrote that book about “The Greatest Depression,” when McCain was a wealthy ne’er-do-well young bachelor.
9:02 PM — McCain waddles out, looking grim and terrible. You know how your Obama looks.
9:03 PM — “The world has changed a great deal, and not for the better.” That is Brokaw, dooming us.
9:03 PM — They flipped a coin! These rich elitists still have coins!
9:04 PM — And Steve Schmidt asks the first question.
9:04 PM — Solid start for Barry. McCain is stooped over his little child’s desk, grimacing. This is what Bob Dole did! (”Bob Dole doesn’t like that.”)
9:05 PM — McCain got out of his chair!
9:05 PM — Barack is sounding good, talking right at the guy, but is he connecting?
9:06 PM — McCain starts off by insulting Obama, “Senator Obama, good to be with you at a town hall meeting.” He leers and winks. Oh dear god.
9:06 PM — McCain immediately wanders away from the bald guy who asked the question. McCain says he would make the government buy all the bad mortgages in America. Wow, that is total socialism!
9:08 PM — “My friends,” three times in the first answer! Drink, drink, drink.
9:08 PM — Oh, and McCain answers, when Brokaw asks him about who would run this operation, as treasury secretary. McCain angrily barks, “Not you, Tom.” A bit of nervous laughter. Good god. Then he mentions Warren Buffet.
9:09 PM — Ha ha, McCain wants us all to make our living selling our possessions on eBay.
9:10 PM — Obama offhand mentions that Warren Buffet, you know, supports Obama. But we’ll deal with that later?
9:10 PM — This is what should carry over: Obama saying one problem is the decline in house prices, but the larger problem is that incomes are declining.
9:12 PM — Oh, did you hear that McCain “left my campaign, and suspended it” to fly to Washington and fuck up the bailout/rescue deal for a week, letting about $1.5 trillion in equity values vanish? Good work!
9:12 PM — Ha ha ha, now McCain is pretending he even knew there was an economy two years ago, and he was going to fix Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac! By, uh, having all their lobbyists run his campaign.
9:13 PM — Hilarious, how McCain tells the black guy who asks the question that he never heard of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac before. You know, blacks!
9:14 PM — “I’ve got to correct a little bit of Senator McCain’s history, not surprisingly.”
9:14 PM — Obama has actually been bitching about the subprime crisis when only YOUR EDITOR (and all the Housing Bubble blogs) knew this was about to fall apart.
9:15 PM — Ha ha, Obama kind of glances to his side and says, “And you know, McCain’s campaign manager is the lobbyist for Fannie and Freddie, but who even cares how he fucked everything up, let’s just move on.”
9:16 PM — The women are pushing the Obama Love Button! The men are positive, but still a little weird about loving a black man.
9:17 PM — McCain also is not going to promise the economy will get worse, first. But he will continue repeating his big idea he will repeat every answer: America will buy ALL THE MORTGAGES, in America! Is this even plausible, let alone possible? Ah but the fundamentals (workers) are innocent bystanders? What?
9:18 PM — Here is Sarah Palin’s mom, asking how she can trust either of the parties, when it is all the fault of Evil Washington Insiders?
9:19 PM — And Obama … uh, doesn’t start well. Okay, surplus, right, Clinton surplus. Bush debt, deficits, nobody’s completely innocent (except all working Americans who bought houses they can’t afford, according to McCain).
9:20 PM — Health care reform budget energy blah blah the Chinese, the Saudi Arabia, you need to answer the question, Barry.
9:21 PM — Lieberman! Climate Change! This is McCain’s answer. Jesus, can ONE of you do something here? And the Men and Women of Ohio agree that McCain is blabbering even more than Obama.
9:22 PM — Pork! Earmarks! It is a good thing McCain will not vote for earmarks, or stuff to educate children, like science stuff. Probably black children, too! (Chicago.)
9:24 PM — Brokaw says what is your priority, health, energy or entitlements? McCain: “What were those again?” Brokaw repeats them. McCain says, “I, uh, think we can work on all three of those.” Reagan! My Friends! I know how to do that! Lieberman!
9:25 PM — So, no answer.
9:25 PM — What is the $700 billion dollars he’s talking about? The bailout bill he voted for? It’s for TERRORISTS???
9:25 PM — Obama: Energy is at the top of the list. Fucks up foreign policy, makes you more poor.
9:27 PM — Barack: “Sen. McCain likes to talk about earmarks a lot …. But understand this, when Sen. McCain supports a $300 billion tax cut that he’s going to give to big corporations and big oil companies,” blah.
9:28 PM — Brokaw threatens both of them for talking so goddamned long.
9:28 PM — Somebody from the Depression somehow came back from John McCain’s childhood and got inside the Internet! Jesus this is so scary. Anyway, she has a question. Why is nobody ever asked to sacrifice anything, ever, in this fat fucking country of fat fucking losers?
9:29 PM — McCain will have a spending freeze! This is how Hoover ended the Great Depression!
9:30 PM — “We’re not rifle shots here, we’re Americans.” What is Walnuts talking about?
9:30 PM — Obama: 9/11! Oh right, we all were so bewildered and terrified that we wanted to come together, and do shit, for the country, but Bush told us to go shopping. “That wasn’t the kind of call to service that the American people were looking for.” This is true! Your editor was ready to join the CIA or whatever, but he was … oh, some damned thing. Too old? Too high? No money for shopping, though, plus your editor hates motherfucking shopping. Unless it’s for wine.
9:30 — John McCain wants to cut wasteful defense spending so as to keep important defense spending, such as the War on Greece. Oops, that was supposed to be a surprise!
9:31 — Barack Obama wants to make everyone sacrifice like they did after 9/11, but not, as George W. Bush asked, to make everyone go out and shop. How is shopping not a sacrifice? We could be, you know, staying inside and eating pork rinds instead.
9:32 — He says everyone personally should think about how he or she can save energy. The CNN Ohio voters LIKE THIS? Jimmy Carter said the same thing to people 30 years ago and people just thought he was some kind of mean peanut-molesting fag.
9:34 — Barack Obama says we need to Cut The National Debt, and that means more than earmarks. In other words, he will get Hank Paulson to buy up your shotguns to sell them at profit to his terrorist friends in A.C.O.R.N.
9:35 — Obama disagrees with McCain’s proposal to cut all government spending in the middle of a depression. “What’re we buying anyway with all that money, poop or something?”
9:36 — Ha ha, McCain unleashes one of his NASTIEST ATTACKS EVER, by saying that he wants to nail Barack Obama’s Jell-o to the wall — not easy! Like most of his other attacks tonight, the Ohio Focus Group immediately flatlines. Tell Better Jokes.
9:37 — Barack Obama wants to respond, leading to the fortieth lecture from Brokaw about how they LIED TO HIM when they said they wanted these rules. “Fuck you fucks, I knew LBJ” Brokaw says.
9:38 — [Brokaw cries about dumb ineffectual rules for another minute]
9:39 — Entitlement reform, again. Barack Obama will cut taxes for 95% of America! (HE WANTS THE POORS TO THINK HE LIKES THEM.)
9:40 — McCain stands up in the middle of Obama’s turn, grinning! What happened was, “Teresa” gave him a big boner and he had to sit down and think about ugly things (his crippled first wife, Carol, is his special de-bonerizing thought), so he was really happy when he got to stand again.
9:41 — McCain: “Tom, I’ll answer your damn question, HENNGHH HEHH HENNGHHHH.” Tom hides because McCain’s breath emanates very far and smells like cat piss.
9:42 — Another black gal has a question for McCain, about the Environment. McCain will clean it while SIMULTANEOUSLY grunting about earmarks, alone, on his private ranch.
9:45 — Barack Obama wants to fix energy and the environment because of the Terrorists, who buy our air debt from China and Japan. He will have nuclear power, too! He agrees with John McCain about something, who knows, he just loves saying that he agrees with John McCain about stuff.
9:46 — Someone finishes answering a question, meaning Tom Brokaw has to yell at them both again. How do you teach those who don’t want to learn? Answer: catty sarcasm. Brokaw basically asks them if they’ve heard of clocks, which can be very useful — they tell the “time” — and especially useful during, say, TOM BROKAW’S LAST DEBATE BEFORE HE DIES. John McCain says “no”, he doesn’t know about these new Apple time gadgets or whatever, and thens asks Tom to act like a crazy retard with hands flailing to tell him the time instead.
9:48 — HEY-O, McCain points at Obama and says “THAT ONE,” as in “THAT ONE [supported it]” or “THAT ONE [is on all of your welfare!]”
9:51 — Time to discuss health care. Should it be treated as a commodity? Yes! Capitalism! Obama says “Nah nah, I’ll get you health care” and then Ellen the lesbian comes out and they dance and he starts shooting 3’s from way downtown into Brokaw’s trashcan along with his vomit.
9:53 — John McCain: Obama will give you Mandates, for your children, and then all of America’s haberdashers will be low on inventory. McCain says he’ll give a $5,000 tax credit to eliminate the employer-based system so people can have more choice. Then everyone can buy individual health insurance, the most expensive and exclusive market for needy consumers for anything on the planet. Oh god and then he brings up that “gold plated plans” crap — you know, the ones that some people need but which cost $20,000 on the open market! IT’S YR CHOICE BABY.
9:56 — Obama: “Nah nah, no McCain stuff.” Explains how he disagrees about literally everything, John McCain said, EVERYTHING. Health care should be a right! Blah blah you can cross state lines to get health care, my cheap care. Tom shuts him up after a while.
9:58 — McCain randomly stands up and laughs about Obama not answering some dumb question he wanted to hear. It was, “How old are you, you jackhole?”
This whole debate has been John McCain tremulously snickering and breathing awful thin breaths into his microphone while Barack Obama perches on his stool with a serene little smile on his face. What does this Obama know that we don’t? Why is this man smiling while the rest of America weeps? Oh hell.
10:01 PM — McCain: Barack Obama does not understand, my friends, my friend.
10:02 PM — Hopey: Yes, I do not understand how retards have been allowed to run this country for nearly a decade. Heroic and honorable troops, extraordinary debt of gratitude, &c.
10:04 PM — What are the McCain and Obama Doctrines? Sarah Palin will be asked this question in her next interview with Charlie Gibson.
10:06 PM — MY FRIENDS MY FRIENDS. Oh John McCain. Did he say “this terrible clam base, we say never again.” He wants a cool hand at the tiller, and that is why he will be voting for Barack Obama.
This McCain fellow is so unpopular that even when he says “Petraeus” he can’t goose up a little interest from the undecided voters of Ohio. We must not exacerbate our reputation, he says.
10:09 PM — Katie asks, Can we treat Pakistan like the new Cambodia? Obama says Sure why not. He also says “Pockystahn,” like an elitist. And “Tollybahn,” like a terrorist. Kill! Crush!
10:11 PM — Come Mr. Tollybahn, tolly me banana! We must use Petraeus’ strategy, the same strategy but different. The undecided voters of Ohio are really not terribly swayed by this. Tom Brokaw says, “I’m just the hired help here,” and Obama says, “You’re likable enough, Tom.”
10:13 PM — “Senator McCain suggests that I’m green behind the ears.” Huh? McCain interjects with some angry/nervous little remark. He is like the only guy at the party who doesn’t drink…making awful interrupting jokes while everybody else is just trying to enjoy themselves. The crack about bombing Iran was just a funny little quip with a war buddy, which maybe Obama doesn’t understand, because FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN.
10:18 PM — Honor and victory! Not in defeat! “We’re not going to have another cold war with Russia.” Because maybe we will have a hot war with Russia! Oh Jesus he comes out with that fucking KGB-in-the-eyes joke. Now all he has to do is talk about how the approval ratings of Congress are down to relatives and paid staffers or whatever.
10:21 PM — Senator Obama, you have 20 seconds to answer this question because John McCain wasted a bunch of air recycling jokes he has told 400 million times to sadly clumped gatherings of retirees in Bingo halls from Baton Rouge to Boca Raton. Obama says, “I wrote a memo!” He has spent a lot of time the past few years, writing many memos and letters, which were ignored.
10:23 PM — And and and! Energy, making mischief. Hmm, mischief and naked aggression. Sounds hot. Hotter than this snoozefest. Brokaw says, “Simple yes or no question,” and then asks the most provocative meatheaded warmongering question ever asked by a journalist.
10:25 PM — Question: How much do you love Israel? A lot, or a whole lot?
10:26 PM — The old stinking corpse line…the uncommitted voters of Ohio are not fans of the stinking corpse. MY FRIEND. He is now talking to some other guy sitting next to Terry Shirey like he thinks he’s Terry Shirey. All baldies look alike.
10:27 PM — Barack Obama also says THANK YOU THANK YOU for your service and all that. “I have consistently said that…” Apparently this is one of Obama’s “tells.” It means the opposite, you see, which is to say, Obama once suggested it would be fantastic if Iran got a nuclear weapon, and he would personally fellate Ahmadinejad in the public square.
10:30 PM — Ooh Noonan-esque question! “What don’t you know and how will you learn it?” Obama says, “scrimpin’” and then goes into his stump speech. (Secret answer: Obama can listen to a Mozart symphony once and then immediately transcribe the entire thing, without flaw. Which is to say, He does not know all Mozart symphonies yet.)
10:32 PM — My friends, I do not know the future, and I will learn it by continuing to live for the next 30 days or so. (Secret answer: John McCain’s last and most dramatic campaign gesture will be to stroke out, onstage, in the third debate.)
10:33 PM — “I know what it’s like, I know what it’s like.” This is supposed to sound like the voice of seasoned experience, but it just sounds like a carping supercilious old fool telling everybody how he knows more than them. And that’s all folks thanks for playing!!!