whatever they're paying these guys it ain't enough. fucking hilarious.
Happy Night of the Century, fellow Americans! We have longed for this night, and we have dreaded it. Poor Gwen Ifill was walked to the stage like some dead pope, the contestants are here and ready to go, our drinking game is also ready to go — are you?! And the pre-game liveblog is just a sweet click away. Ready your beverages, people, and let’s do this thing. 9:00 PM — It really was sad seeing poor Gwen walked in by four or five bodyguards/nurses. She told the crowd, “If you have any questions — I fell, I wasn’t pushed.” (True!)
9:00 PM — Oh look they are here! Sarah just said, “Hey can I call you Joe?” Joe smiled and said sure.
9:02 PM — Well, they both look great.
9:03 PM — But Gwen … good lord, why are you wearing Hillary’s old weird patterned blazer? A tribute?
9:03 PM — Simple talking points on the economy and the Obama plan: “We’re going to fundamentally change the focus of economic policy. We’re going to focus on the middle class.”
9:05 PM — “I betcha ya gonna hear some fear in that voice.” Oh lord she is talking about soccer games. She did not answer the question. She is repeating this, her eyes are even moving as she reads this, in her mind — or maybe shined on the inside of her glasses.
9:06 PM — Oh lord, five minutes in, just 90 seconds into her first answer, and it is total gibberish. And she looks down at her notes and grimaces.
9:07 PM — Biden quickly and cleverly gets in a bit about how he worked on legislation to stop “violence against women.” How’s that, Mrs. Buy Your Rape Kit You Rape Victim?
9:08 PM — Palin responds to the “McCain was saying fundamentals of the economy are strong” with … uh, she says “fundamental,” singular, and says “maverick” three times. Drink, drink, drink.
9:10 PM — Uh, Sarah, there weren’t really many $100,000 houses even before this decade’s housing boom … unless you’re buying a $1.75 crack house in Saginaw on eBay!
9:10 PM — Hey, that is a good common-sense point, from our Gov. Palin: “Don’t go into debt when you can’t afford it.” And then she says Heck, Betcha, Gonna, Git ‘er done and who knows what else. Could we let Sarah not be Sarah for a little while, please, Alaskan Inuit God who lets her live on Your Holy Lands?
9:12 PM — Biden talks about McCain’s article in a “major magazine” about the great GOP plan to ruin health care the same way they ruined the financial industry. Of course it was just some trade mag and McCain didn’t even write it — he doesn’t write anything under his byline.
9:13 PM — Ha ha, now Biden is going to clobber Palin with those dirty liberal facts. Wow, he is pretty good at this, isn’t he?
9:14 PM — Ha ha, Palin just ignores everything. “I may not answer questions the way the moderator — I’m gonna talk about being mayor.” What?
9:15 PM — Gwen cuts off Palin. IN THE TANK.
9:15 PM — Biden wants fairness, for people who are not rich. What an elitist! Got to refill the Goblet of Fire here.
9:16 PM — Well, there is the clip from Biden. Middle class, no increases in taxes for anyone making under a quarter-million, tax cuts for everyone making less than $150,000 per year, simple, didn’t sound like a lecture.
9:18 PM — Oh lord, Palin just recites some stuff they told her about “wealth redistribution.”
9:18 PM — Ifill: “Governor, are you interested in defending Senator McCain’s health care plan?”
9:19 PM — Well, that’s one definition of defense?
9:20 PM — And the Biden knife comes out: “McCain TAXES your health-care plan from your employer … and TWENTY MILLION of you are going to be dropped. I call that the ultimate Bridge to Nowhere.” (GROANS, GASPS FROM CROWD.)
9:21 PM — Palin is just busily reading her notes to herself. Her lips are moving!
9:21 PM — Biden has his first stumble, on the word “characterize.” The campaign staff is in the back all crossing their fingers that this is the only one. Oh shit he just called McCain policies “unpatriotic.”
9:22 PM — Palin wants to go back to the energy plan. Has the energy plan been mentioned tonight?
9:23 PM — “Tell ‘em.” “Somethin’ else.” “Bless their hearts, doin’ what they need to do.” “Aren’t comin’ to the big multinational corporations.”
9:24 PM — This is the “Let Sarah Be Sarah” thing the wingnuts want so bad.
9:24 PM — Ifill: “Governor, could you possibly pretend to answer at least one goddamned question, please?”
9:25 PM — Biden: Obama voted against oil company tax breaks, McCain voted for them. The End.
9:25 PM — Biden shows some nice class with some “folksy” talk about how he likes how socialist Sarah gives $1,000 checks to Alaskans every day.
9:26 PM — Ifill: “Gov. Palin, could you just answer something about subprime?”
9:27 PM — Palin: “Yes, I could,” and then recites something about how “we have John McCain to thank.”
9:27 PM — This is exhausting, listening to her.
9:27 PM — Ha, Barack Obama the child was warning the Fed & Treasury two years ago that the subprime nightmare was already happening. (Your editor knew this, too, which is why he sold his house in Nevada just before the whole bubble imploded.) But John McCain was “surprised” by the collapse in December. Really?
9:29 PM — Exasperated Gwen Ifill: “Gov. Palin, would you maybe like to respond to what somebody here actually said?” Palin: “He’s wrong. So let’s talk about my experience givin’ breaks to folks.”
9:31 — Palin reinforces her position that “it doesn’t matter” whether global warming is man-made or not. REALLY? Then how are we supposed to solve it, if we don’t know what causes it? This is an actual logical fallacy. You decide how to act on issues based on the mistakes of the past. This is called, what is that thing, “the study of history.”
9:32 — Thank you Joe for just saying that to her. Oh now he wants to drill. He wants to drill? Sure, why not.
9:33 — Palin says that we are “raping the intercontinental shelf,” for some reason. What is this now? That sounds like a “rape” joke and it’s racist. Also: would she make the intercontinental shelf pay for a rape kit? Saves tax money!
9:34 — Joe Biden explains his plan to poison the Chinese with coal-cleanin’ jobs. “Look, no one cars about the damn Orientals, lady,” he says.
9:36 — Joe also wants to give the gays some rights or whatever the hell they want, fur coats, whatever.
9:38 — Sarah Palin won’t let the gays have any rights because they may want to get married at some time, AND THEN WHAT? It’s their choice, they know the implications.
9:40 — Gwen, who is in the tank because she writes blaxpoitation scripts about the Obamas for the Black Panthers, makes fun of Sarah Palin and says it’s time to talk about foreign policy.
9:41 — [Surge crap talk for a while. Barack Obama didn't like the Surge and John McCain didn't like the Surge so much as he liked killing people in general, for more years, etc.] STUFF HAPPENED.
9:42 — Biden lays out his plan to leave Iraq in 16 months, clearly.
9:43 — Ha ha, Sarah Palin is silent for a few seconds and then spits at Joe, “YOU ARE RAISING THE WHITE FLAG OF SURRENDER.” That’s one of the lines she memorized or saw George Bush say on the teevee in 2005 during her once-yearly “check the news” day, in which she watches the Leno monologue.
9:46 — Joe Biden gives more facts about foreign policy for two minutes, whatever, no one cares. Oh, Sarah Palin knows that there’s sand in the Middle East, and pretty camels! She is CRUSHING HIM in the expectations game.
9:47 — Sarah Palin’s response. We just had like 50 things we wanted to comment on but now we forget them all. Let’s just say she squealed at one point, about Muslim hatred. Oh, here’s one: she said “nucular” and her CNN independent Ohio voter chart SKYROCKETED in happiness. Otherwise, they hate her.
9:48 — Joe’s look is hilarious. He is DYING to go at her. Instead he just says the word “TALK” repeatedly. It’s his safe word to shut out the hate demons. Anyway, Joe Biden wants to talk to the Muslims.
9:52 — Sarah just thanked Joe for liking Israel, because she does too! OMG they have so much in common!!! They’re like the same person and should date. Joe, for one, could use a solid hate-fuck right now.
9:56 — She just talked for five minutes about how she will reform, uh, the various foreign policies, and that it doesn’t matter what George Bush did — everyone screws up! — but it does matter that the past happened, because things that happened in the past are, uh, former events, and former events… nucular weapons. They hate America! Reform, they call the… it’s Maverick. George Bush is the thing that no maverick weapons, kill Americans will they?! Oh and Afghanistan about Gwen? Maverchanger sand Bush happy flower fart die.