9:00 PM — Oh, hey, it’s that nice old Bob Schieffer fellow. What kind of incredibly awkward and unwarranted attack will McCain make on this kindly CBS anchorman?
9:00 PM — It was super nice of McCain to loan Chris Matthews one of his old gay sweaters.
9:00 PM — “Grumpy old man in slippers.” — Joe Biden, describing Walnuts today.
9:00 PM — Oh dear christ, Olbermann and Matthews were just cackling and listing all the comical mean old men McCain reminds them of: Mr. Wilson from Dennis the Menace, Grandpa Simpson, etc. And with that, the 49th and final presidential debate! Oh and here is our slapped-together drinking game!
9:01 PM — Hello Bob! What are the rules? “Simple.” How long are the dealies? “Nine-minute segments.” Then what? “Then we’ll have a discussion.” Let’s roll, biatches!
9:02 PM — A warm greeting between the candidates, if by “warm,” you mean McCain gritted his dentures and faked a smile while shaking Obama’s hand.
9:03 PM — The economies are bad, oh noes! What will you people do? McCain is already busily scribbling notes, and now does his usual mention of whatever old politician is in the hospital tonight.
9:04 PM — Ha ha, McCain “won’t repeat” the parts of his economic policy that Bob mentioned, although he didn’t really list McCain’s economic policies. Anyway, McCain doesn’t know “his” policies, but he can mention this dingbat “I will buy your home” plan.
9:05 PM — Obama: “Worst financial crisis since the Great Depression.” Bailout plan that “Senator McCain and I both supported” is a first step, etc., but the MIDDLE CLASS needs a rescue plan.
9:06 PM — Jeez, how did Walnuts again miss the chance to get in a “middle class” reference? Obama will have a dozen “middle class” mentions before this answer is over!
9:07 PM — We’ve switched to CNN so we can watch the squiggly meter which shows what the undecided bitters think of this. Ladies Love Cool Barry, as usual, but the men are close, and they are super positive.
9:07 PM — “Would you like to ask Senator Obama a question?” McCAIN: “No.” And onto some story. The squiggly lines just go straight down. Oh lord.
9:08 PM — Flatlining.
9:08 PM — Oh lord. Gibberish already, stumbling, talking to the camera, “What you want to do?” Huh?
9:09 PM — “Heh heh.” DRINK!
9:10 PM — The squigglies stay low until Obama says “95% of you out there will get a tax cut.” Ding ding ding the nice man will give you moneys!
9:10 PM — Then Obama corrects the Joe the Plumber story, and the squigglies go up up up, even though it is confusing, to this editor, who is trying to type, after all.
9:11 PM — Yellow teeth, snarling, creepy chuckling, “class warfare.”
9:11 PM — Add “Joe the Plumber” to the drinking game! That’s what, 15 drinks? Be careful out there.
9:12 PM — “Ordinary families” and the squiggly rises!
9:13 PM — Ireland! Drink, just because. God, he loves saying Ireland. McCain, we mean.
9:13 PM — McCain doesn’t seem to realize that “spread the wealth around” doesn’t actually sound so bad to, you know, 95% of people. How would he know this?
9:14 PM — Bob the Builder: “Aren’t you both ignoring reality, won’t some of the programs you propose have to be trimmed or cut back?”
9:14 PM — Boring yet important Barry talk on health care, Medicare, health insurance, etc. He sounds serious and stable, the squigglies skyrocket, “We’re not going to be able to go back to our profligate ways.” Squggly goes down a bit, as nobody knows what that word means.
9:16 PM — McCain: “Let’s get back to me talking about this I’ll-buy-your-mortgage scheme.”
9:17 PM — “What will you cut?” Don’t make Bob Schieffer mad, Walnuts!
9:17 PM — He lists a bunch of types of energy sources, women are going down down, “I know how to …” Then, again, the TOTAL SPENDING FREEZE, squigglies go down down down. Sugar cane! Brazil! “I know how to save billions” … men squiggly rises, then goes down as … it turns to gibberish.
9:18 PM — OVERHEAD PROJECTOR.
9:19 PM — Sara, where is the overhead projector link please?
9:19 PM — Obama: “Earmarks are the centerpiece of Senator McCain’s campaign. Earmarks make up half of one percent of federal spending. Bush spent all our monies!”
9:20 PM — Here, here is the tale of the “overhead projector,” which first of all has yet to be replaced. And second, uh, hey, science museum, public planetarium, education, for kids?!
9:21 PM — God, this fucking jabbering over the energy bill and whatever. Cutting spending.
9:23 PM — McCain will not look at Obama when he speaks. He seethes!
9:24 PM — “I got the scars to prove it,” says McCain with a cackle, and the squigglies go down, down in the tank.
9:24 PM — “Senator Obama, your argument that you’ve stood up to your party is not very convincing.” Mincing smile. Down go the squigglies.
9:25 PM — Bob: “Are you willing to say the shit your campaign says, but to each other’s face?”
9:25 PM — McCain: “It’s Obama’s fault for not having 10 town hall meetings with me.”
9:25 PM — John Lewis! Segregation! George Wallace! “That to me was so hurtful.”
9:27 PM — So, will John McCain say anything to Obama’s face? No, but he will look in the other direction, say “You didn’t keep your word,” “You didn’t tell people the truth, because you didn’t.”
9:28 PM — Barry will not go for the kill, because he doesn’t have to. But, “100% of your ads, John, have been negative.”
9:29 PM — McCain, weird smile, “That’s not true.”
9:29 PM — And back to economic polices, the economic crisis, squigglies go up again!
9:31 PM — Oh, first, John Lewis: Obama says John Lewis was troubled because Palin’s supporters were yelling “terrorist” and “Kill Him!” at Obama’s name. “Congressman Lewis’ point was we have got to be careful with our supporters.”
9:32 PM — And the American people have become so cynical about our politics, blah blah &c.
9:33 PM — McCain is FUMING! The skeletor face.
9:33 PM — McCain: “I’m proud of the people who come to my rallies.”
9:33 PM — They are patriotic! When they say “Kill him!” And … stunned silence.sss
9:36 PM — Oh shit, now it is all here, ACORN, “washed up terrorist,” “destroying the fabric of democracy,” “all of these things need to be examined.”
9:36 PM — Obama: “Mr. Ayers has become the centerpiece of McCain’s campaign these past three weeks. Forty years ago, when I was eight years old, yadda yadda, and 10 years ago, we served on a school board CREATED BY RONALD REAGAN, somehow, and the Republicans. All Republicans. Mr. Ayers is not involved in my campaign, hasn’t been involved in my campaign.”
9:37 PM — “ACORN … paying bums to register votes, people just filled in names to get paid. I represented them alongside the U.S. JUSTICE DEPARTMENT. The reason it’s important to get the facts out, I associate with Warren Buffet, and Paul Volcker, and Joe Biden, and Dick Lugar (GOP!), and NATO, the supreme commanders.
9:39 PM — And the squigglies tank. And finally, Obama laughs at McCain.
9:31 PM — Obama says, Hey man I cannot be responsible for the comments of John Lewis, an American hero whom we both admire! Oh and now he is pointing out what a sorry sack of poo Sarah Palin is. People are cynical, tit for tat… now he is bringing it back to the boring boilerplate.
9:33 PM — “Let me just say categorically, I’m proud of the people that come to our rallies.” Oh good Lord. “The most dedicated, patriotic men and women…” Yes, too bad they’re being videotaped.
9:34 PM — John McCain is so steamed because he’s been terribly busy repudiating things all over the place, and Barack Obama has not been repudiating things nearly often enough.
9:35 PM — Well America, there you go. Four minutes of frisson in the middle of 90 minutes of dull, dull debate. But wait! Ayers, Acorn!!! He got ‘em both out!
9:36 PM — “He engaged in despicable acts.” Mmm, sounds sexy! Tell us more about these despicable acts. Now, on to Acorn, the terrorist organization that registers people to vote sometimes. Subverting democracy!
9:38 PM — Eek, look at McCain’s creepy unblinking death stare!
9:39 PM — Hey speaking of associations, what about that Charles Keating guy that Grampy used to “pal around with”?
9:40 PM — Obama, tell us why Joe Biden is better than Sarah Palin. Without being sexist. Man, the uncommitted voters of Ohio do not seem to be liking Barack Obama so much tonight. Where’s the love, Ohio?
9:41 PM — “The Violence Against Wimmins Act.” Women’s? Blah blah blah, boring boilerplate recapitulation.
9:42 PM — The voters of Ohio REALLY do not care for Sarah Palin. Not the women, anyhow. Broads hate this Palin character, good LORD. Are all the lady voters in Ohio suddenly dead or asleep or something? John McCain cannot even pronounce “breath of fresh air” correctly. “She understands that autism is on the rise.” Yes, that is a very important quality for a vice president to possess.
9:44 PM — Barack Obama offers comically faint, vague praise for Sarah Palin. “She has two eyes…and the full complement of other sensory organs, which is great…” And Obama clumsily pivots to economic garbage.
9:45 PM — Cockamaimie! Drink!
9:46 PM — “Let’s talk about energy and climate control.” “Climate change,” says McCain, angrily.
9:48 PM — Gaack, that same dumb list of different technologies. McCain loves that list, because he has memorized it, and it takes up time. Otherwise none of that response made sense, or was even in English.
9:49 PM — Obama: Treat our oil fields like vacation days: use ‘em or lose ‘em. We can’t drill our way out of the problem…Now here comes his list of technologies, which includes geothermal, whee! P.S. NAFTA SUX.
9:51 PM — South Korea needs more crappy American cars.
9:51 PM — McCain does a close reading of Obama’s response with a canned bit about how he’s eloquent but he lies with his words. Barack Obama has never traveled south of our border, whereas John McCain is secretly Panamanian and had sex with some hot Brazilian model back in the 1930s!
9:54 PM — Yes Barack, we need a president who will enforce unfair trade agreements. Amazingly, John McCain does not snicker and correct him on this.
9:55 PM — Barack Obama wants to sit down without preconditions and meet with the terrorist Hugo Chavez!
9:56 PM — Here we go, the healthcare question that they have all been so eager to answer. Obama doesn’t really answer the “cut costs or expand coverage?” question, but offers up some anecdote about ladies in Toledo who appeared to be in their 50s. Actually, they were in their late 20s, but they have spent their lives in Toledo. (Cue angry emails from Toledo readers.)
9:58 PM — McCain widens his eyes when he says “working families,” like it either pains or disgusts him to say these words. He hates obese people, too!
9:59 PM — Oh hey it’s a shoutout to “my friend” Joe the Plumber.
10:00 — McCain’s health plan: make less fatties.
10:01 — HAHAHAHHA here comes Joe the Cummer again, John McCain wants to help Joe the Cummer have more employees, for cumming.
10:01 — Oh wow, Barack Obama says Joe the Cummer will have to pay ZERO in penalties if he doesn’t offer his employees health care. McCain stares at him like, “ZERO DOLLARS, HENNGHHHH?” And Obama says yes, because my plan excludes penalties on small businesses, such as professional cumming.
10:03 — McCain: “Hey Joe, you’re rich, HENNGHH, congrats, now Black Beauty over here wants to, uh, spread your wealth around, HENNGHH?” Has John McCain ever heard of a progressive tax system, which is what we have and what everyone has? Maybe everyone should pay zero taxes! Then we can just, uh, save America that way, with the no tax thing. HENNGHHHH?
10:05 — Joe the Cummer is cumming so much now, with all the attention he’s getting! His name is Rich Lowry, and he is the plumber of the toilet that is the National Review.
10:08 — Look everyone, it’s Joe the Plumber, we found him on a porn site for donkeys:
10:09 — John McCain would hire LITERALLY FUCKING ANYONE to the Supreme Court, no Litmus Tests for liberals, but he wouldn’t, uh… maybe… eh… well it’s a tough question… carry the zero… he would half-nominate someone who may have supported Roe v. Wade ever or never.
10:11 — Joe the Plumber, we found his website — traffic must be SKYROCKETING.
10:12 — McCain was born as a failed abortion, McCain says about himself. Would’ve worked better nowadays, but back then abortions were done with onions and a lot of them failed.
10:13 — Obama voted present for killing babies and such, why would he do that?
10:14 — Obama: When I voted present that was really a SECRET MAGICAL UNICORN VOTE for actual global peace and happiness, so fuck you Senator McCain.
10:15 — McCain: When the black talks about provisions for “saving the mother’s life” for opposing abortion bans, he doesn’t understand that all women are dumb sluts.
10:16 — LAST QUESTION OMG we’re so early no?
10:18 — It is about education. Eh. Higher education. Obama talks about his thing to give college kids money if they put Country First. Screw college. More people have college degrees now than ever, and look how that’s worked out. Our biggest achievement in the last ten years has been credit default swaps.
10:20 — McCain wants to BUS THE BLACKS into white neighborhoods with their fancy gay vouchers! Now who does that help? Hitler. It helps Adolf Hitler.
10:22 — Fixy the educations, fixy fixy fixy. What does Joe the Plumber want to do about want to do about vouchers? He doesn’t want to pay the Obama “Money Tax,” alright!
10:24 — McCain explains how vouchers helped the Washington D.C. school system. You remember that, and how it fucking was worthless saved America, don’t you Senator Obama?
10:25 — Obama says no vouchers bitch.
10:26 — McCain: “You listening to this idiot, HENNGHH?”
10:27 — Important Closing Statements. McCain spits his poo first.
10:28 — McCain: We have to fix all of this country’s problem. I recommend Joe the Plumber to fix them, we’ll write up a contract. But My Friends, Joe the Cummer, Plumber, needs a new caulk gun for his cumming. And he can’t do that with the Obama Money Tax. Fuck all this shit. Bye.
10:30 — Obama: We have to invest, baby, invest. Invest in money. Invest in the various taxes. It’s not going to be easy. Now watch me slam-jam this trash can on old Schieffer’s head. [Does so]. Look, look at how stupid Schieffer looks now. Bye.
10:31 — Bob Schieffer tells everyone that his mom is making him vote.
10:32 — McCain tells Obama “good job.” Meh. This is over. Bye kids!