here's my thing: in the profile section of this blog, i've spent some time thinking about how i think about myself-- it's really, if you're both able to be honest with yourself and interested in extended self- examination/ awareness, an interesting exercise. i recommend it. what you say about yourself says, you know, a lot about you.
i've tried to be honest. now i'll admit, i've a bit of an ego. and i'm a bit insecure. i hope my day- to- day resides somewhere in between**.
but back to my thing: i'm, in the next few weeks [or months], going to be examining in detail the things [apostate, relativist, self- defeatist, etc.] i've said about myself. i want to use the profile as a springboard, if you will. some of the examinations will seem self- justifying, some jeremiad. all of it might seem pretentious.
i'll certainly say this: the subtext that will permeate this entire exercise is best summed- up when i describe myself as such: 'well- fed white guy'***.
i embrace this.
i don't think i can be at all honest or objective before i get this out of the way. i am your prototypical well- fed white guy. i am the guy who has not a care in the world when it really comes down to it-- i mean let's have some perspective here. and, to my credit, i think that the majority of my days are spent in a pretty sunny mood as a result. that's not to say that i'm not human and that i don't have my bad days. it's like neil young sings: "though my problems are meaningless/ that don't make them go away" ["on the beach", 1974].
but let's never forget that at the end of the day i'm a well- fed white guy, one who has the free time to type his thoughts on an expensive laptop, and has never had to want for a meal, let alone a place to sleep or warm clothes, ever in his life.
putting aside for a second that it's well- fed white men that have accumulated all the power in, and thereby control, the world, i ask the question: do i even matter? have i been marginalized by society? does nobody take me seriously?
and if so, is it because well-fed white men have accumulated all the power in, and thereby control, the world?
seriously-- further putting aside for a second how put- upon this must sound, i want to know: does the well- fed after- dinner opining of a white guy safely esconsced in his warm san francisco home hold any water or carry any weight with a world that has so been fucked- up by well- fed white men who live in nice warm homes and do things after dinner?
or: do i feel this marginalization, and trivialization, out of guilt? and if so, what is that guilt? it can't just simply be my conscience-- the "better angels of my nature"-- blowing kisses at me. it has to be more than that.
is it maybe that i just so hate the evil that well- fed white men have done through the passage of time, and that, as their unwitting proxy, i feel this guilt so as to avoid some sort of horrible self- fulfilling prophecy? is it then possible that in all the time i've spent railing against closed- mindedness and manichean worldviews, i should have been pointing that finger at myself? that the fatalist in me worries that i'm destined for a life of being rude to the waiter, driving a hummer, and other various forms of knuckle- dragging white guy- dom?
maybe, but i'm not thoroughly convinced. it was a fun little train of thought to let play out, though. what i do think is that there's a little bit of conditioning going on here, a bit of bleeding- heart liberal guilt, a bit of internal hip- checking, and a whole lot of hating the evil that well- fed white men have done through the passage of time [or is that the same thing as bleeding- heart liberal guilt? ah, well, we'll have to save that for some other occasion].
what i'm aiming for through all of this is transcendance, mind you. i don't really feel marginalized. i don't really feel trivialized. but i have-- and i have in the not- so- distant past. like i said, i'm basically a sunny guy who loves his wife and is very lucky and is smart enough to realize he's got it pretty good. hopefully, and chances are, you live somewhere in that vicinity, too.
guilt? in a matter of speaking, i wouldn't fuck guilt with ann coulter's cock. i don't feel guilt.
but again, this is the new me. very seriously, the old me had a lot of trouble once upon a time adjusting to, and feeling comfortable in my own skin about, all of this. and i bet you that's not that uncommon. furthermore, i bet less people than you think have been able so far to come to terms with what i'm talking about here.
to sum up, i want it known that i matter. i want it known that i will not be marginalized. i want it known that i will be taken seriously. being a well- fed white guy doesn't necessarily make me evil. i am not responsible for those who've come before me. and anyone who thinks differently is the close- minded one.
it's always interesting the backwards- ass fighting one does with his- or- herself, and what centuries of oppressing, as opposed to oppression, will do to one's pysche.
************i'm now going to shut off my of montreal album and take my so delicious [TM] non- dairy frozen dessert and my nalgene of cold filtered water upstairs and watch american idol in my warm king- sized bed with my beautiful wife****. thanks, as always, for reading.
*i realize now that that was a poor choice of words, thank you very much.
**in that regard, i'm pretty much just like everybody else.
***additionally, none of this would be possible if i didn't call myself a 'husband'.
****the perfect well- fed white guy nightcap. also, see 'yuppie'.