G I V E S I T T O M E
S T R A I G H T.
BY ELLIE KEMPER
Do we see the zit on your chin? Yes. Is it the first thing we notice? Unless we're looking at your chin, no. You're wearing a lot of eye makeup, so that is helping to draw attention to your eyes. Away from your chin. Where you have a zit. Yes, you have a zit on your chin. Of course we can see it. But it is not the end of the world. People are going to focus more heavily on your eyes, where you are wearing a ton of eyeliner and mascara. When the zit gets bigger, we might notice it more. In the meantime, stop acting like everyone is staring at your zit. They're not. But you do have one.
My New Jeans
Do you look fat in those new jeans? No. Do they look good on you? Unfortunately, not really. Why do you insist on wearing skinny jeans? I know that skinny jeans are fashionable, but they aren't for everyone. They work well for tall women with very thin legs. You have thin legs, in a way, but they are too short for skinny jeans. Does that make sense? You don't look fat in them; they just aren't flattering. Why don't you wear some low-rise flare instead? Those look good on just about everybody.
The Odds of the Subway Tunnel
Collapsing While I Am in It
This is very, very unlikely. How many people ride the subway every day, and how many people are victims of the tunnel collapsing on them? The answer is about 4 jillion, and zero. Yes, theoretically, the tunnel could collapse on you. Theoretically, we could be in Iraq for a thousand more years. The solution, however, is not to stop riding the subway but, rather, to stop worrying about things that are highly unlikely. If you are looking to worry about something, try your mortgage payment. That entire mess is your own stupid fault, so don't come crying to me.
Did he break up with you? Yes. Are you a bad person? Not because of that. He just didn't want to be with you. You have no control over that. Here is something you do have control over: shopping! Let's get you some new pumps. And stop crying. He's just not worth it.
This New Chicken Recipe
Is not very good. Did you forget to add the broth? Did you bake instead of broil? Something is wrong with it. What is it? Did you accidentally skip a step? Did you misread an ingredient? Something just isn't right. Can we order pizza instead?
The HPV Vaccine
If you don't already have HPV, you should definitely get this. I don't care how much it costs. What is more important than your health? I'll tell you what: a greater military commitment in Iraq. But directly following that important issue is your health. Now, to be honest with you, you probably already have HPV. Most people do. Hell, I probably do. It's sort of impossible not to get it. You can get it by having sex, by not having sex, by thinking about getting it, by trying on a swimsuit at H&M. Nonetheless, you should get this vaccine. Even if you do already have HPV, it can't hurt to get the vaccine. After all, we must do more to take care of ourselves, to prevent chronic diseases when possible, and do more to adhere to treatment after we are diagnosed with an illness. That last sentence was taken directly from my website.
My Taste in Music
This could really use some work. I know that you must know there is more out there than Rilo Kiley, Vampire Weekend, and Amy Winehouse. But I am searching your iTunes and I am seeing that this is just about all there is. What about some other kinds of music, like jazz, or classical? Have you heard of these things? The Beatles are also a good band. You should listen to at least some music that happened before 2007.
Look, I can't tell you who to vote for. You have to go with what is in your heart. I'll tell you what's in my heart: bombing Iran. But I can't tell you what's in your heart. If you want a president who has actually done something with his life, who isn't a wuss, and who is much older than anyone else, then you should vote for me. If you don't vote for me, no big deal. However, in that case, you should know that I was only trying to make you feel better about your zit. It is huge.